As we know all to well, sex sells. Historically people were very conservative with sex-related issues (e.g. clothing, social practices, and other behaviors). This made sex much more desirable (it was the forbidden fruit). Now sex is far from being a forbidden fruit. And what has this done? It has caused a proverbial arms race (in the spirit of $$) to "turn people on" (which has caused sexual desensitization and relationship problems).
The purpose of this blog post is to bring attention to the psychological forces behind sex, along with what a person can do to bring the "forbidden fruit" back to life. Sex is special because we believe it is special--it is our socialization that has created this perception--and it can be a great tool to facilitate social organization and reproduction.
Hypothetically, let's say we take two individuals (Bob and John).
Bob
Bob is raised in a sexually conservative environment. His family tells him that sex is only appropriate when married. Through the grapevine Bob is told (or overhears) that sex is the most pleasurable thing imaginable. The combination of sex being both "special" and "pleasurable" creates a perception of sex as being highly desirable and highly intimate (can only engage in the behavior with one other person, which in-turn makes it the most intimate behavior on earth). This serves as a intensely strong motivator to be successful in finding a long-term relationship (i.e. marriage), as well as a motivator to protect the relationship from inner and outer threats (because it is special). Also, being that sex it is highly intimate and pleasurable in Bob's universe, sex is an incredibly strong bonding tool for his relationship. For Bob, sex is the most intimate act he can do/has done, which has emotionally super-glued him to his wife. Now that they are emotionally "super-glued", they form a social unit fit enough to survive the long haul.
John
John was raised in a sexually liberal environment. In other words, he is taught that sex is not an intimate experience (between the lines), and that it is "normal" to have sex with multiple partners. Sex is far from being a forbidden fruit in John's universe. John's first sexual encounter is with his girlfriend at the age of 15 (a norm in today's world). Sadly, John and his girlfriend ended up breaking off the relationship after a few weeks because of boredom issues (girlfriend was sexually promiscuous and John wasn't able to keep her attention). Ten years later, and after many sexual encounters, he finds himself alone and frustrated. Sex has become slightly more personal than a handshake and he is alone due to the fact that he has lost his "emotional glue" (can't romantically bond with anyone).
For John, sex has lost its potential usefulness...
1. Forbidden fruit
2. Intensely strong emotional bonding
3. Pleasurable (which 1&2 amplify)
4. Long-term relationship (sexual conservatism motivates individuals to seek out long-term relationship goals).
Just because a value is "new" does not make it psychologically healthy, and when it comes to sex, context context context. Otherwise the usefulness of sex (as previously listed) is dissolved. I believe an obvious correlation can be seen with the rise of sexual liberalism and the high divorce rate. We humans psychologically need meaningful relationships to attain emotional equilibrium (and develop a sense of loyalty and trust). On a positive note, I bet the pharmaceutical companies love their billions gotten from anti-depressants (see a trend?).
The "emotional glue" sex should be providing has become less sticky and much more slimy. But, it's not too late to help remedy this situation. If you have lived a sexually promiscuous lifestyle the best thing you can do is STOP. What this means is....
-Stop having all sex
-Stop thinking sexual thoughts (yes, it can be done)
-Avoid porn
-Don't recall past relationships (and/or cognitively distance yourself from them).
If this is done for a year or more (5 years would cause a near total psychological and physiological cleansing), the intimacy should return (at least as good as it can)
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