Born-Again Atheist

We are all born atheists, and I was no exception. I was able to see the world in all of its wonder, all of its beauty. While I do not remember exact details, when I think of my earliest memories, they are of a deep curiosity for this world, full of mystery and excitement. The only emotion I can think of to describe this time was the feeling of awe, for everything around me. The furthest my memory takes me back was when I was four-years-old. I was put into a pen with a gigantic hog -- the emotions I recall are a combination of fear and wonder "what is this ugly looking creature with huge teeth? is it going to hurt me?". All I had at the time was a conceptual idea of pain -- I never thought this strange, large animal could kill me, in-fact I didn't even have an understanding of what death was.

Of course it wouldn't take long for the concept death to come to my awareness. As early as I can remember, way back, I was forced into Catholicism. I can't speak for all children, but most seem to find this as a choir, something they would prefer not do. Perhaps the worst of it was the fear that the idea of hell brought. As a young child, being told of the endless torture that would be experienced if life was not lived in a certain way -- the way in which some invisible-guy wanted. This with the idea of God being capable of telepathy was not all too pleasant for me. I was afraid that if I thought the wrong thought, I would upset this invisible-guy. In-fact this idea alone would cause me to be to afraid to even question the existence of God. I recall being tempted to do so, it would be in the back of my mind, always popping up from time to time. But the fear of the 'thought police' caused me to suppress skepticism at an early age. So this is what religion got me at a very early age: a crushed sense of curiosity for the world (god did it, who cares?), the idea of death beat into the skull, of course the terrifying idea of hell, but perhaps worst of all was that the 'thought police' set up so many "laws" which prevented me from thinking in certain ways in fear of hellfire. What a great traditional upbringing.

This is not some anti-religious ramblings to serve any sort of agenda, it is genuinely how my earliest memories of life are filled with a sense of fear, guilt, and boredom. Boredom of course coming from the stupefying simplistic explanations for how the world worked, religion made the world very boring to me. When I recall those early years, what really comes to the forefront is misery -- polar-opposite of what once existed within me -- the enjoyment, and curiosity for the world which once existed, was raped by indoctrination. Those earliest of years are something which one can never get back, the most precious years, stolen by religion.

I could ramble on all day long about this sort of thing, but it's depressing (maybe I'll re-edit, adding more details in the future). Let's fast forward to when I was 'born again'.

I was around sixteen-years-old when I was 'born again'. I can remember being in the woods, feeling depressed, feeling bad, and wondering why God was making me feel this way, making my life miserable. I would wonder around nearly every day that summer, in the woods -- contemplating why God was being so cruel to me -- I did everything he asked of me, and no prayers answered, no good fortune, only misery. I would get angry at God, would curse at him "f@!% you God" and "God must hate me, so I should hate him back". This hatred of God made me hate not only what he has done to me, but all the misery he has caused for so many. I would try to think of ways to make God feel bad through my thoughts (being that he was invading my privacy anyways). Having thoughts about how much I disliked him, calling him every name in the book. It then dawned on me, the greatest dig of all would be to say that I no longer believe in him. I then started to entertain the idea of no god existing -- this anger towards God liberated my mind, it liberated me from the fear imposed since youth. This freed my naturally logical and skeptical mind to begin to tear down the delusional world view I had for the majority of my life. I am a passionate person, when I was a 'believer' I was quite passionate about it until the end. That passion transferred over so easily, it felt so much better, much more natural, and very liberating. The deep curiosity for the world and enjoyment of it that I only had for a short few years after birth was back, I was 'born again'.