Blame vs. Praise (careful, it may be watching).

We have all heard believers in God thanking the nonexistent friend of the masses. The thanking of God is done in order to be rewarded by the opportunity to thank him even longer. Here's a napkin for the people I'm talking about (you have a brown smudge on your nose).

Such people thank God for when good things happen to them, or when he chooses to have bad things happen to OTHER people. "Thank God I was lucky enough to survive"—what is really meant by this is: "thank you God for being a dick to those other people and choosing to leave me out of it". Is God choosing to harm people just so the suck-ups will thank him for not doing it to them? Is it just like when God crushes the dreams of a losing sports team by allowing the winning team to be victorious? If God is just a spectator then what is the point of thanking him? If God chose the winner then what is the point of playing? I'm sure all those winning sports players didn't think their speeches out all that much (thinking is not needed when God gives you athletic ability). On some level, I must admit that I wish I believed that whenever I successfully wiped my ass that the all-powerful creator's "hand" made it possible.

I would now like to thank my imaginary pal (he's invisible, so it requires very little imagination) for all the great things he has done for me.

• Thank you for not having a serial killer standing behind me RIGHT NOW.
• Thank you for making me an atheist.
• Thank you for making that special "warm place" for Muslim suicide bombers and all those virgin priests (real good idea putting them together).
• Thank you for allowing Eve to eat that fruit that forced ugly people to feel shame and cover up.
• Thank you for never having a Yeti bum-rush me during their mating season (never go into the woods during the end of November through mid-December if you can help it).
• Thank you for not giving me cancer.
• Thank you for Chinese sweat shops (I like cheap shit).
• Thank you for not having me born in a third-world country.
• Thank you for all of the wars that have greatly influenced the way history unfolded (I like the way things are).
• Thank you for all the diseases that caused immense suffering and death that you chose to not inflict upon me.
• Thank you for allowing me to have free-will.
• Thank you for sparing my life when that bee stung me (God chose not to make me allergic). 

 Here are the things that I would like to blame God for...

• Not making me tall so that I could make millions by throwing a rubber ball into a metal hoop.
• Time I stubbed my toe and the nail fell off.
• Giving me that bad cold that I had 2 weeks ago.
• Not chosing me to win the lottery.
• Making hell harder to avoid for the people that use the freewill and brains he handed out.
• Hitler—I know, I know... free will—but, an all-powerful creator of the universe could have stopped this. He rather doesn't exist, didn't want to, or couldn't—thus, making him rather our imagination, not as powerful as a bullet, or a dick.
• AIDS
• Cancer
• Justin Bieber
• Haiti earthquake
• Starving people in Ethiopia (Jesus has the super-power of making bread and fish magically appear, could just beam him/himself down).
• Not striking down Catholic priests that touch little boys with lightning.

I could go on and on, but I need to get some sleep. I blame God for making me tired the moment I start to calling him out for all the horrible stuff he did/does to people.